Ramblings

Well its been a while since I have written. I've been pretty busy.  Yesterday we went to a pumpkin patch and it was a bust.  There was no corn maze this year even though the sign still boasted one in huge letters.  But we did get 3 huge butternut squash for $1 a piece!!  Then we went to the farmers market and got a TON of veggies for very cheap!  I cleaned, cooked, and froze fresh green beans for the first time.  I felt like a woman on a farm or something snapping all the ends off and such.  My mother in law spent the day with us.  It was a really good day.  I made pork loin and roasted potatoes, and of course green beans for dinner.  It was WONDERFUL!  Oh and pumpkin cupcakes for desert!  I don't really know why I am telling you about what I made for dinner but hey it's my blog and I can write what I want! :)  We might be digging up the grass in our yard today to plot out our garden for next year!  I am SUPPER excited about having a garden.  Though I know absolutely NOTHING about gardening, Charlotte said she would help... well I will do all the work she will tell me how to do it.  I will post pics on the progress of our garden on FB.  Anyways its Sunday morning and everyone is still asleep but me.  I am starting to help out in KidZone today and then doing it by myself next week.  Then a week or so after that I will be doing preschool.  I am excited for that too.  I hope though I will not get lost in that and lose going to the service.  We shall see.  But its another step of courage for me.  I am opening my heart so much now to this church, our church..  And you know what it feels good!!! God and I are working on things and that feels good now too. I better go and start to get ready for church...

Courage

Last Sunday the pastor was preaching about courage.  He said courage was walking through your fear.  So I decided that I was going to walk through my fear of opening my heart to this church and start going to the woman's bible study.  So far I am very glad I did.  Monday was the first meeting and there were 4 other women there and they were open and seemingly real.  Real people loving Jesus.  Also I started reading "What's so Amazing about Grace?" By Philip Yancey.  So far its a great book.  These are steps to walk through my fear... Not only of opening my heart to this church but to God.  We have had the worst 2 years for our family.  My son was hurt badly by a foster teen boy in our home, our foster agency turned their back on us, we left and were hurt by church after church, Justin's dad died of cancer, to name a few.  So I felt God could not be trusted.  I hope that I can find my way back to trusting him again.  To being completely in love with him again.  I think its possible I just need to keep walking.  Keep walking in-spite of my fear. 

projects

So I have a TON of sewing and crocheting projects to get done before the end of November.  I am making something for all my nieces and nephews, my sister, sister-in-law, and mother.  Its time consuming and since I am being a pain and refusing to ask my mother in law for help its taking longer.  My mother in law is the one who started teaching me this stuff but then for the harder steps I have been teaching myself.  I am not asking her for help because then she tells people she did the whole thing and I maybe helped a little.  She does that for everything!!! And recently she hasn't been giving me any credit.  I know, I know we aren't to supposed to want credit for what we do but sometimes I would like people to know that I can do something on my own.  That I have my own worth and merit apart from her.  Anyway I digress. (lol I have always wanted to use that word!) I am happy to be making all this stuff for everyone but it takes alot of time.  And I am supposed to make things to sell at a craft show at the end of December.  Oh and I have two crochet blankets ordered.  One is done.  I would love to have orders rather than do the craft show.  I think I will be trying to make a facebook page soon and have my family and friends promote it for me.  I am not looking to get rich, we just really need some extra money right now to pay off the ever mounting medical bills. Well I hear Micaiah waking up from nap so I'd better go.... till next time...

Preschool

Well I sent my first born, the fruit of my womb, my little man, my baby... to preschool today.  His first day.  Its so hard seeing him grow up.  Its funny how some days I wish for him to grow up faster and others I want to stop the growth process and freeze him where he is.  I pick him up in an hour and I miss him terribly. He is going to be 5 in 5 months!!! WOW!  In my head I couldn't picture him 5 years old.  That just seemed so far away and now its coming.  Way to fast for my liking.  After dropping him off today Xenaleigh and I went to 2 garage sales and then played outside.  It was good to play with her one on one.  I was looking in her eyes and seeing that she is growing up way to quickly too!  She is SO beautiful! Oh my I just had a thought she is going to be two in 6 months!!! Where does the time go!!! I guess its time for another one! :) 

Thoughts and Ramblings...

So the kids are finally in bed.  I am taking a few minutes to myself to blog.  I always wanted to try blogging but never thought I would have time.  I am a stay at home mom.  It is the hardest job I have ever had.  Its also the loneliest.  I used to work in social work for a non-profit organization called LifeLine Youth and Family Services.  I worked with families in crisis.  That was a challenging job but I loved it.  And of course I was always working with people.  

Well I am training for another 5k and my goal is to run most of it... Well I haven't run since Wednesday last week.  I had been having migraines and the kids have been sick on my running days.  I feel so bad... I have also been eating horribly, well till yesterday.  I got back on track.  I really need to start running again tomorrow.  I hope that I will be able to do it.  I get so down on myself sometimes and then feel like quitting.  But like my Aunt Carolyn is teaching me through her example, to just keep going. 

Growing up I played at being a christian.  Then in college I was on fire for Christ.  Now I feel like I am back to just playing the game.  I sometimes think that I might have never been a christian in the first place.  We go to church but we aren't involved.  I always have felt closer to God when I am worshiping and serving... now I feel like I do neither.  I try to pray and sometimes read the Bible but I still don't feel God.  I don't know if he has left me or if I have left him.  I wish I new the way back but I don't.  I have tried, but failed repeatedly.  I keep thinking about the thing this woman at MOPS said last year... that she feel in love with Jesus.  I want that... to be in love with him again.  I used to be.  But not anymore.  I want to be.  I am tired of playing christian... 

Well that is all the time I have for today.  Thanks for listening/reading.  Feel free to comment.